Sometimes, our minds can spin chaotically, as endless thoughts tumble over themselves in a frantic race to be heard.
And they are very good at making themselves heard – ‘I need to get rid of my fear, anxiety, confusion, anger… I need to fix myself… I need to heal… I need to keep my awareness… I need to feel that spiritual love and bliss all the time… I need to meditate more, practice harder, find a new Guru…’
It seems like those thoughts have our best intentions in mind – surely inner work, spiritual growth and self-improvement is a good thing? Surely trying to become ‘better’ is very wise and important?
Yes, and… No.
Because, if we pay very close attention, we can feel the toxic beliefs that feed those whispering commands into our minds. These toxic beliefs don’t speak themselves – they are too cunning for that. But we can feel their silent authority, colouring our every thought and emotion. And if we feel deep enough, if we dive into ourselves and explore those silent beliefs, we can translate them into words – ‘I’m not good enough. I’m unworthy. I’m bad. I’m a failure. I won’t ever ‘get there’.’
So, no matter how much spiritual work we do – to try and fix ourselves… to become ‘better’… to seek wholeness, fulfilment and love… to find healing… to become enlightened… it won’t work. Because those beliefs are always lingering in the background, cruelly tormenting and torturing us, looking for ways to validate themselves, reflecting themselves in our lives, dominating our behavior, cruelly whipping our minds to seek, seek, seek… seek for a way out of our suffering – for a way out of the very suffering that those beliefs are causing.
So we become victims of our toxic beliefs, trapped into seeking – but if we continue seeking, we simply allow those self-sabotaging beliefs to take us further and further away from recognizing love and wholeness.
Because, we don’t need to seek love and wholeness. We simply need to recognize it.
Can we let go of the seeking mind, just for a moment, and imagine that there is nothing to reject, dislike or deny in ourselves? There is nothing to ‘fix’, ‘do’ or ‘seek’ – no external source of love and wholeness.
Everything we think and feel – even our stormiest emotions, even our blackest thoughts – it’s all part of the love and wholeness that we already are.
So, instead of seeking, we can choose to explore our inner landscape, by digging out all those toxic beliefs, and bringing them up into a space of awareness. When we become consciously aware of those beliefs, we also become aware that they are not real – they are just beliefs – and are not who we really are. They are just the childish tantrums of a dysfunctional ego. And we can choose whether to believe them or not.
With this awareness, we can fully embrace every single belief… and every thought that blossoms from those beliefs… and every emotion that is triggered by those thoughts. We can embrace everything we are trying to ‘fix’ in ourselves… everything we are rejecting in ourselves… everything we think is standing in our way of wholeness and love.
But it’s not enough to just try and embrace it with our minds – to try and practice acceptance. Because just that’s another form of seeking – of doing.
Instead, we simply and effortlessly allow it all, from that quiet space of awareness which exists before belief… before thought… before emotion.
And then we discover…
Pain and sadness are not the enemy. Fear and anger are not the enemy. Frustration, confusion, disappointment, loss, shame, guilt… they are not the enemy.
When we throw open the doors of our hearts and welcome pain, allow fear, admit jealousy, accept insecurity… When we gracefully invite and cherish all aspects of ourselves… we realise that joy is not ‘better’ than sadness. Love is not ‘better’ than fear. It’s only our old beliefs about these emotions which label them as good or bad, wanted or unwanted.
So we can give compassionate space to every childish tantrum our ego throws at us, and allow these tantrums to play themselves out in full. Because the more we push them away – the more we reject and deny them – the louder they will shout, in an effort to smother our awareness with their pitiful cries.
And when we allow ourselves to be everything that we are… that is when true healing happens. That is when those toxic beliefs lose their power. That is when we discover that we are not those tantrums, but we are the space in which those tantrums arise – a limitless depth of unconditional awareness – already loved, already love… already accepted, already accepting… already whole, already healed.
We are the masters of creation, whilst also being the perfect forms of that creation. It’s all part of the wholeness that we are, and no amount of seeking or self-rejection can bring us closer to what we already are.
So, we can let go of seeking, allow ourselves to ‘be’, and dive into the unknown – plunge heart-first into the truth of ourselves, and find that limitless abundance of wholeness – the unconditional expression of love and acceptance, from which everything arises, even the seeking mind.