The beautiful agony of healing

I am burning, in the crucible of my heart.

I have no other choice,

Because now, I am broken, cracked wide open – my soul prized apart and shattered into a million shards of agonising love.

Yes – Agonising. Love.

Because my heart is literally exploding – it has become a woefully inadequate vessel, unable to contain the entire universe of love that it holds.

So it cracks a little more, and a torrent of excruciating energy bursts throughout my body, seeking an outlet – seeking to reunite with the absolute love that it is.

I am unable to carry this entire universe of love, which is rapidly expanding inside me, so I walk, and I walk, mindlessly, and yet, mindfully.

I find myself on a busy street, and observe the multitude of faces around me.

My heart swells bigger and bigger with each new face I see – because I love them all – I love each and every person, unconditionally and wholly – after all, how can there be any other action except love, when I know that we are all one – our separate forms weaved from the same fabric of connected awareness?

But as I gaze into each pair of eyes, I stumble and flinch at the haunting pain that I witness there… I feel every drop of pain – every watery tear – infinite tears that swim and drown, in every pair of hopelessly despondent eyes.

I see deep inside each person, right through each person, and far beyond each person. I see each person’s traumas and suffering, their fears and insecurities, their worries and illusions.

I see it all, and I feel it all.

And I love it all.

I love every beautiful, perfect and tortured soul, and I want to throw them all my own wounded heart – as a frantically beating life raft, for all who flounder and flail in that infinitely turbulent ocean of eternal suffering.

But all I can do is love, and love, and love… until my exhausted and shattered heart breaks… always breaking, just a little bit more.

An ocean of tears floods my eyes, perfectly reflecting the pain I see all around. I shake my head, feeling overwhelmed – surely this is too much pain for one soul to carry? But I am not just one soul – I am every soul – every soul that has ever lived, in every place, in every way, throughout all of time.

I am the collective pain, burning through the one form.

And, God, how I burn… I burn from every traumatic imprint, left by every soul that has ever lived.

I want this burning to end, before it ends me…

I want to love the world so fiercely and unconditionally, that it will have no choice but to heal… here and now, always and only ever in the present moment.

But I know that this is not the way…

I know that I can only heal the world, by healing myself.

So I turn inwards, and meet my own traumatic imprints, greeting them without a shred of resistance, just as I would greet a dearly-loved friend.

And this time, I am ready.

Because this time, my heart is cracked wide open, ready to dance with the white-hot flames of my own existential, inflicted and ancestral pain…

So I continue to burn, in the crucible of my heart.

I know that everything must burn – no trauma left uncharred – no abuse left unacknowledged – no hurt left suppressed – no pain left ignored.

Until finally… after this immense incendiary purge, I sweep away the ashes of my past suffering, creating enough space to comfortably hold that universe of unconditional love, which is still swelling and expanding inside me.

And as I blissfully inhale and exhale the love that I am, that vast inner universe explodes once again… shattering into a million shards… of agonising love.

Yes – Agonising. Love.

And so, yet again, I burn, in the crucible of my heart.

But this time, I smile with gratitude…

…at the beautiful agony of healing.

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